"OOOOOH IN THE MERRY MONTH OF JUNE FROM ME HOME I START, LEFT THE GIRLS O' TUAM SO SAD AN' BROKEN HEARTE-"
"Shut up!"
Matthias and the guard exchanged angered glances - Matthias because his loud Irish folk song was interrupted, the guard because this accursed outlander was so damned annoying.
"Hey... I slept with your mother. Yeah. She was good."
The guard turned around, toning him out. Matthias swore quietly to himself.
"Yeah, I'm gettin' kinda hungry. Can I have some food?"
None of the guards so much as flinched (there had to be at least six).
"Uhm, alright. How about a drink, then? Got any Coke? Water it down, though; it leaves a film on the back of my throat."
Not so much as a twitch.
"Dammit, you people suck. Why do you serve that prettyboy Larkin, anyway? So he can sleep with all yer women? Oh, fantastic reward. Does he even pay you?"
No answer.
"You know who he reminds me of? John Romero."
Matthias broke into laughter, a sound, to say the least, uncommon at this level of the dungeon. No one else got his little joke... not that it was much of a joke anyway, but still.
"Come on, people, lighten up! You're so dreary. It's because that pasty-faced fruitcake is sleeping with your wives, isn't it?"
"SILENCE, WHELP! I've heard enough out of you!" a guard screeched finally, scooping up a chunk of brick that had fallen off the crumbling walls and throwing it toward Matthias's head. He jerked right, barely dodging it.
"Oooh, I hit me a nerve, did I? Hah, you know it's true, though, that girly-armed pansywaist screws the more attractive of your wives blind... judging by the looks of you folks, though, not many of your wives are that attractive..."
"I'LL KILL YOU!"
The guard began fumbling with his keys. A grin split Matthias's face. "Yeah, your wife may not be that good lookin', but CHRIST she's a good fu-"
"Stop, Williams," said another guard, reaching up and grabbing his keys from him. "He wants you to open the cage. He wants you to go in there. Just ignore him; we'll tell Lord Larkin everything he's said. I'd be surprised if this outlander lasts another twelve hours."
"Whoa. Where'd you come from, buddy?" Matthias said after a pause. "So far you're the only guard I've met so far with more than one functioning brain cell."
"Shut your trap, outlander.""
"It's a compliment. You don't need these other simps. Or Shrike. Grow a spine and go stand up to him."
"Silence yourself! Lest we summon Master Grub."
"Grub? What the Hell is Grub?"
"Master Grub is the dungeon torturist. It seems to be a hobby, and one he's very good at... he had built a device that can puncture and heat every nerve in your body while, at the same time, not killing you. Not immediately, anyway."
"Booyaka. Where does he hang out?"
"None of your business."
Matthias sighed, shrugged, and tried to make himself as comfortable as possible when chained to a wall.
"WAIT. He pale, kinda hunched over, creepy lookin'?"
"That does sound sort of like Master Grub..."
"Ngee! I SAW that guy! I could've killed him! How Spider-Man-esque."
"What?"
"Nothing. I just need to be let out of here, NOW."
The guards all began laughing. Matthias sighed, fresh out of ideas and escape plans.
"Crap."